of all my reasons//
I thought about leaving you
for the first time
because I couldn't burden you with my weight anymore,
The weight
that I myself
was buried under,
increasing day by day.
I drifted apart because
I wanted to save you,
even if it crushed me,
because I loved you
way too much.
Imagine having one life jacket
and having to let it go.
The second time
it was also because
maybe I stood way too close to you,
To overlook and not get hurt
by all your careless actions
ignorant of their impact on me
And believe in a lie,
like fools
that you love me back
as much as I love you.
Believe
that the good in you
would overburden the rest,
despite anybody
trying to do the opposite.
I believed like a fool
Maybe I was too complicated
for you
And you deserved simpler things.
The third time
this thought crossed my mind was when
my breathless body could only think of you,
telling me how much you mean to me,
even when I refused to listen so adamantly.
When my heavy soul begged for freedom,
that I refused it
when I kicked down
from the rope tied across my neck
and chose to live instead.
That day I chose my life
over your company,
I'm sorry I was selfish,
but there was nothing you
wanted to do to save me,
and someone had to,
because I chose to live.
The final time it was all of that, but also because
the moment I started to drift apart,
I could truly see
in all your worst assumptions of me,
that you never loved me to begin with,
to turn around for a moment and hold my hand with love
and ask me
about what I felt
and why I choose
to leave today.
That's when I learned that enemies can hurt is a lie
Truly only the closest friends can push you to die.
and I risked my life
for a love that existed
only in my imagination.
And I couldn't stay
in a place
constantly hating myself for loving you.
It hurt, but I had to leave.
❤️
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